Before & After

I’ve gotten feedback from several of you that you find it helpful when I post examples of not-so-perfect writing with a (hopefully improved) edit. Accordingly, I decided to take that approach in this first post of 2008 (which hopefully marks the beginning of more regular posts here).

I pulled this text from the ‘Guide to Best Practice for the Installation of Pipe Jacks and Microtunnels’ (Pipe Jacking Association, 1995) – a book that is really nicely designed in a way that supports the technical material. This book was published in Britain, hence the British spellings.

BEFORE

It is recommended that this section is studied carefully and used to select the best excavation and face support method for the ground conditions applicable to any scheme.

There are many types and manufacturers of pipe jacking shields and TBMs, and each type will have its own design and performance characteristics. After selection of an excavation system the designer/installer should contact the equipment manufacturer to obtain precise information specific to the chosen equipment, to ascertain the suitability of its operational capacity to handle the ground conditions.

Summarised here is a guide to some of the criteria to look for in assessing the suitability of the equipment for good installation.

DISCUSSION

Paragraph 1
The passive construction makes the first sentence unwieldy. For instructional materials, the imperative is often a good choice. (Do this. Don’t do that.) Second, the phrase “applicable to any scheme” is unnecessary and vague. The sentence could end after “select the best excavation and face support method for the ground conditions.” Introducing the idea of a “scheme” reduces the impact of the sentence.

Paragraph 2
Again, we want to change the passive voice. Then, consider the last statement. Should the user not already have ascertained the suitability of the equipment’s operational capacity for the given ground conditions? Hasn’t the author just stated above that this is a purpose of this section of text? It’s best to combine the two similar ideas and place them in an order that matches the order in which the actions should be taken.

Paragraph 3
This paragraph isn’t necessary once actions are placed in the proper order and placed together.

AFTER

Study this section carefully. These guidelines will help you select the best excavation and face support methods for the ground conditions you expect to encounter, and assess the suitability of various types of equipment.

There are many types of pipe jacking shields and TBMs, and each type has unique design and performance characteristics. After an excavation system is selected, the designer/installer should contact the equipment manufacturer to obtain precise information about the equipment performance.

NOTE

If you are not comfortable using the imperative or the pronoun “you” in your writing, you can still write in the active voice, but you will not give directives. For example, your first sentences might be: “The best excavation and face support methods are the methods best suited to the ground conditions. The guidelines in this section summarize criteria for selecting excavation and face support methods appropriate to the anticipated conditions.”

Filed under: Uncategorized, Writing, Writing in Engineering